Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.