DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
War & Peace
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.