DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.