DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Perfect
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out