Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
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Look, I respect the skill. But no.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
new shirt idea
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
How times have changed.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.