Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.