Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”