Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
#oldknees
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*pronounces fake like saké*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew