Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
monday
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions