Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
im all 3
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok