Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Planet of the Apps.
I mean…but I did
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”