Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit