Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.