Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time