Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

gender is a sprctrum

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”