Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

If only.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

Posting this on behalf of a friend

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily