[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Living the best life.. 😊
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea