[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
the simulation is moving too fast
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
This makes total sense…
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.