Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

😞

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.