Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
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You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you
Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Some people are the little piece of foil in the baked potato of life.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).