Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

🛁

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Self-cleaning conscience