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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no