divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
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Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
guys i’ve cracked the code
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??