Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.