Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Florida man

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Frog purse.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.