Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

You Might Also Like


They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.


The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.


Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.


If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.


Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.


Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.