They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.
The irony is not lost on me.