@PleaseBeGneiss

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

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@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

@Kyle_Lippert

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

@foxnerdrn

If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.

@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.