Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

My dating profile:

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup