Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.