Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
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Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
A short story of betrayal:
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.