Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.