Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

I have a new favorite meme page

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated