Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses