Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
life finds a way
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Me too, bag. Me too….
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.