Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
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me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.