@Douchekevin

Divorce.

When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.

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@sploosk

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@DrunkSocialite

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

@BlindChow

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@SatansTongue

(First date)

Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist

Her: So what do you do for fun?

Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????