Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

make up your mind

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion