divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food