divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”