divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly