divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.