divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.