Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.