Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Every. Damn. Time.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

A tragic love story in two pictures.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”