Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*