@hythemafia

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

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@AristotlesNZ

In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.

@Aikiwomannc

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

@Phook75

If love at first sight was really a thing, I would’ve been married to Cheetara from Thundercats

@dumbbeezie

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

@fro_vo

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

@MrTimothyClark

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?