Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important