DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?