Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump