*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
All right then, keep your secrets
I am patiently waiting for your email
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone