Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

I’m sure it’s fine.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you