Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

I have written yet another poem about laundry

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.