Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

There’s only one good girl here!

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Ugh but profoundly

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

🤣😈🤣

Meanwhile in Portland…

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister