Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

can’t believe I got front row seats

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire