Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you