Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight