Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

How I like cutting carbs

The asteroid..

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.