Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

channeling her this year

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.