DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
technique
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Lmao the reply
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.