Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.