Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?