Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

S/o to @funTweeters .

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.