Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

When I said I liked it rough.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

The legends were true

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope