Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.