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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.