Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

mood

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1184382275678420992/pu/vid/720x1280/xK6UizInu6kvYuJA.mp4?tag=10

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?