DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me