Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Not today. 😅

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Previously On Persistence 😎

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.