DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
How animals would run if they were human
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now