DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My favorite type of men is ramen.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity