DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
step 6: release the wall snake
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it