DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: