Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Woke up against my better judgment again

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Me trying to walk in a dream

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis