Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Seductively sings in Klingon.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.