Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

I will never stop laughing at this

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts