Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce