Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons