Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

I think this cat is broken

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

The struggle is real.

hmmmmmm

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.