DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace